2. To Him, The Only Man In My Life
To You, I Confess,
If You’re In This World Still,
And To Your Soul,
If…....
And To Your Soul,
If…....
Despite all your desperate effort to suppress the little recalcitrant child of love quivering inside you, I witnessed it, still, growing bigger and bigger, almost blasting your heart, disclosing by the minute your first genuine experience of pain and pleasure with this peculiar being called chaste love.
Madly and frantically you were yearning to hear it … your beautiful hazel eyes were over and over again beseeching and begging for it … helplessly exposing that burning agonizing passion you strived hard to conceal; nevertheless, you failed and your failure was outrageous.
Willing you were to give up your life for the sake of hearing back that thrilling utterance, yet I did not say it … not for loving you less. Madly in love, I confess, I was, but my love was unlike any you had ever known or experienced before.
I loved you in my way … loved you with my rules and my regulations … introduced you to my world … presented you to my traditions and culture … where women embrace purity and chastity still, and blush like a red rose. Unblemished, who will always be best worthy of that white dress— women, who out of immense respect for their femininity, endeavour their hardest to maintain their men’s manhood, not demean it in the name of so called civilization and equal rights…
I yielded not, incessantly tenacious and obstinate. Disciplining you, I believed, I was; taming your wild desires, ridding you of all your past blemishes, purging your mind and your heart, transferring to you some of my “alien” purity and chastity and taking you back to your young forgotten days of innocence, in preparation for you to enter the sacred altar of my love, so that one we would become in body and spirit, enjoying together that once-in-a-life-time experience of magnificence.
Foolishly thrilled I was having sat at the throne of your heart and monopolized your mind, but totally oblivious to my looming fate. Unaware that I was burning myself down to the bone with a mute veiled devotion. I was the fragile butterfly, helpless, enslaved, doomed and getting closer and closer to the flame. I became harshly infected and my sweet fascinating malady was incurable
And yes… for the first time, for the very first time being in love for you was none of yesterday’s familiarity. It was no more two bodies and a transient forgettable lust. It was no more sin but holiness. No more craving but reverence, no more frivolity but patience. It became pure, sacred and sublime.
But, alas…
Just when our path was budding and blossoming … unexpectedly, in its cradle, my rosy fairy tale was brutally and viciously slain, and in a blink of an eye, I lost you.
It's years now since we last parted. My heart and soul are still indefatigably searching for you. Longing to see you, hankering to touch you, to feel you, to hold you, and to say loudly this time, and without shyness, that magical word you had long waited for
To tell you... I could never forget you. Intensely I tried with all that shrivelled power you rewarded me, but I failed, and my failure was outrageous
To tell you... You were the only one… and only for you and your love and your memory I have all these years lived.
Madly and frantically you were yearning to hear it … your beautiful hazel eyes were over and over again beseeching and begging for it … helplessly exposing that burning agonizing passion you strived hard to conceal; nevertheless, you failed and your failure was outrageous.
Willing you were to give up your life for the sake of hearing back that thrilling utterance, yet I did not say it … not for loving you less. Madly in love, I confess, I was, but my love was unlike any you had ever known or experienced before.
I loved you in my way … loved you with my rules and my regulations … introduced you to my world … presented you to my traditions and culture … where women embrace purity and chastity still, and blush like a red rose. Unblemished, who will always be best worthy of that white dress— women, who out of immense respect for their femininity, endeavour their hardest to maintain their men’s manhood, not demean it in the name of so called civilization and equal rights…
I yielded not, incessantly tenacious and obstinate. Disciplining you, I believed, I was; taming your wild desires, ridding you of all your past blemishes, purging your mind and your heart, transferring to you some of my “alien” purity and chastity and taking you back to your young forgotten days of innocence, in preparation for you to enter the sacred altar of my love, so that one we would become in body and spirit, enjoying together that once-in-a-life-time experience of magnificence.
Foolishly thrilled I was having sat at the throne of your heart and monopolized your mind, but totally oblivious to my looming fate. Unaware that I was burning myself down to the bone with a mute veiled devotion. I was the fragile butterfly, helpless, enslaved, doomed and getting closer and closer to the flame. I became harshly infected and my sweet fascinating malady was incurable
And yes… for the first time, for the very first time being in love for you was none of yesterday’s familiarity. It was no more two bodies and a transient forgettable lust. It was no more sin but holiness. No more craving but reverence, no more frivolity but patience. It became pure, sacred and sublime.
But, alas…
Just when our path was budding and blossoming … unexpectedly, in its cradle, my rosy fairy tale was brutally and viciously slain, and in a blink of an eye, I lost you.
It's years now since we last parted. My heart and soul are still indefatigably searching for you. Longing to see you, hankering to touch you, to feel you, to hold you, and to say loudly this time, and without shyness, that magical word you had long waited for
To tell you... I could never forget you. Intensely I tried with all that shrivelled power you rewarded me, but I failed, and my failure was outrageous
To tell you... You were the only one… and only for you and your love and your memory I have all these years lived.
To tell you... What my bashfulness withheld from you, then, and all that you didn’t know afterwards.
To tell you... that I wasn’t the kid you deemed me and your love wasn’t a transient point or a small ephemeral chapter in my life that concludes once another man knocks on the doors of my heart. You remained the sole dweller in my mind and my heart;
you adhered and clung to my soul and deeply flowed into my blood…
Obsessed...Charmed... and hooked I am by you, and by your love
To Tell You,
To Tell You,
I Love You.......
Comments
Here is a thought that I have frequently had when reading your story. While I have always known it to be true, I have not followed this truth as often as I should. Here it is (my thought, not necessarily yours nor anyone elses): There is immense value, richness for lack of a better word, in living life restrained by standards, by principles other than "anything goes." To some it may seem a paradox, but the truth, in my opinion and experience, is that real love, real relationships, genuine articles of intangible connection, are merely supplimented and enhanced by what could easily be mistaken for the genuine article itself. Without standards, without hard and fast rules, without obedience, I would not have had the requisite clarity to make that discovery nor would my senses have been sharp enough to experience the difference.
Liana